Well folks, hello again.
This past winter break has been
unhappy. Ive done a lot of soul-searching; but not a whole lot of soul-finding. The only thing that scares me more than hiding out in my house by myself is going back to school, and having to face all the complicated drama of schoolwork (and missing assignments), friends that hate each other, facing a certain someone, and actually having to get dressed and look presentable (no more staying in my pajamas until four in the afternoon and waking up only three hours before that.). But thats not all. No longer can I simply sit around by the computer all day, pretending that no world other than that of the Yu Yu Hakusho episodes Im watching exists. No longer can I simply stand around by the fridge whenever I want, eating whatever I want. Basically, no longer can I act like a lazy bum. :-/
But, on the upside, I get to be with my friends again, and away from my family 7.5+ hours of the day. Definitely an improvement.
Ooh, a new year.
I actually havent made any resolutions. Its not that I dont have things Id like to do; but rather I know that telling myself to do something just because would be pointless. Either I want it or I dont; either Ill work toward it or I wont. No dumb resolution is going to change that.
Its strange; Januarys my favorite month of the year;, but its also the most stressful and depressing month for me (well, at least it HAS been in the past few years). Where, oh where, is that beautiful, peaceful, and calming snow that should most definitely be here by now? Its pretty enough as it is outside, but usually, Im in too crappy of a mood to truly appreciate it.
How the fuck did I get to be so sullen and cynical anyway?
Maybe its the stress from all the schoolwork I havent done. I dont WANT to do it; and yet knowing that its hanging over my head makes me tense, too. A kind of double-edge sword, if you will.
Sometimes I wonder if this stubborn, hopeful feeling of love is all thats keeping me going. Even though I know its pointless, I cant help but thinking that if theres some slim chance he actually cares about me, then everything will be alright.
Then again, every time I think that, a new phrase comes to mind; Jim Morrisons quote, Love cannot save you from your fate.
So does it matter, then? Does it really matter if he loves me back? Sooner or later (and likely the former of the two) my worlds going to come crashing down on me like the inevitable rain. Talent can only get you through life to a point; then comes all the hard work; all the hard work that I cant seem to put out.
I cant do it. I could do it. I wont do it.
I need to do it.
It? What do I mean by it?
Live. Really, truly live. Not just sit around, ignore the world and let life pass me by. I have to PRODUCE.
And if I keep procrastinating, Im likely going to find that Im OLD and that its too late. Maybe it already is.
When Im dead, it wont really matter. But Im not ready for death. Nor am I ready for life.
Im a mess.